Your beauty makes my heart glow,

glow before the gloom.

You tell the sky,

“relax, sit back.”

Peach meets blue, and

all of my cares are washed away.

You feel like a deep breath,

long sigh.

The deeper you go,

the more I want to follow.

Sadly, no matter how close 

I get I can never reach you,

but I’m content with that.

To watch you from afar,

is like medicine to me.

Your movement

makes my spirit sing.

My day’s slate 

wiped clean.

I filled the vase in the sink,

the safe haven for my new roses.

Day after day,

I watch their beauty bloom.

They flourish in

the beam of the sunlight.

Weeks go by,

and no amount of ice and water

can keep my roses from dying.

Day after day,

I watch their petals fall.

They become more brown

with every hour of the day.

My sweet roses decay,

and I am only left with pain.

I thought I had more time,

time to heal,

time to recover from my sorrows.

They say “take your time”,

but they really mean

“you only have until your roses die”.

What once was sympathy

and shoulder pats

is now eye rolls and whispers.

I sob as the 

roots of the roses shrivel

because I wish healing 

was that simple.

Part of me died,

and I thought

these roses were

a symbol of the beauty of life,

maybe even encouragement to keep going.

But they were only my timeline.

One set of roses for my grief,

and alone 

must I pick up every dead piece.

I remember when I used to scream to God for help

while letting demons in my front door.

I remember when I used to kiss death on the mouth

, and wonder why I kept getting cold sores.

I remember when I used to clench snakes

, and be surprised at their venom. 

I remember when I used to dig holes

, and be shocked at how I could fall so deep.

I remember when I used to fight my tears 

, and then ask why even in deep sadness I couldn’t weep.

I remember when I used to run barefoot on summer concrete 

, and ask God what happened to the skin on the bottom of my feet.

I remember when I used to lie with dogs

, and be confused when I finally got fleas.

I remember when I would play with knives

, and look for help when they cut too deep. 

I remember when I would punch myself 

, and then get mad at the bruise.

I remember when I would walk through snow or sleet for

people who wouldn’t drive to my rescue when it was sunny.

I remember all the things I did when I didn’t have eyes to see.

All along the adversity was me.

But I forgive myself because that’s the only way to heal completely.

Little black girl with the kind eyes

They were filled with fire, the good kind

Mouth filled with wisdom beyond your years

And your words cut deep, intentionally

Sometimes bringing people to tears

You fought them off the only way you knew how

If only you knew what you know now

Every bitter heart forms a black hole

Sucking people dry till the day they’re no more

Your words could’ve been used to heal and impart

But with all of the pain

They turned into darts

I wish you would’ve used your heart.

I used to look for someone who could love me enough to make up for what I lacked

Someone I could give my heart so that they could take care of what I didn’t know how to

Thought maybe if I outsourced I would be done with my internal battles 

Of course, I was wrong

That’s how you chase away anyone worth your trust 

Constantly offering people my heart in my hands 

Because trying to love myself was no longer part of the plan

My heart is worth a fortune

But I was willing to give it for at least two cents

To anyone who seemed to atleast give two cares about me

So maybe I wouldn’t have to put up with too much nonsense.

Once upon a time I lowered my standards to grave, in secret 

And they still went below it

I haven’t been the same since.

Hello love,

Hello disappointment,

Hello confusion, 

Everytime I open up myself to you I am left stricken.

Hello love,

Hello insomnia,

Hello anxiety,

I was finally in a good place and then you turned my world upside down.

Hello love,

Hello,

I hope to one day experience the fruit you’re supposed to offer.

Lord, thank You for Your watchful eye

Thank You for being my guide

The narrator of my life

You make me smile with Your jokes

Always knowing when and how to make me smile

You wipe away my silent tears 

You hug me with Your oh so warm arms

I sing love songs to You, daily

Because You are my first love

Through You, love, I am able to receive

I see Your love in the trees

I see Your love in my Home by the Sea

Prayerfully, people see Your love in me

Love in me, loving me, love me eternally

A love to last for eternity

I love You, more than a tree hugger loves a tree

More than a bird loves to be free

From Your love, I will never flee…again

Sweet love, love everlasting

For me, I know You have so much in store 

Your love has taught me how to love me properly

Your love has completely transformed and groomed me

Eternally grateful, giving back to you for eternity

Thank you for Your sweet love, in which I never have to plea

You give it to me so freely even when I’m underserving, undeserving

Love, with You, is all I see

So watchful of me, like an eagle in a tree

My Lord and love, You’ve healed me

With You, whole, one day I will be

Thank you for helping me see my inner beauty

My savior, most literally

My death in my hands, You spoke to me 

I just wanted to be free

And now with You I will be

I mean I am, excuse me

Although things have gone sour,

my heart still sings for you, a sweet song.

She says you’re my everything.

She calls you beautiful.

Singing louder in the quiet hours

so that I won’t forget about you.

Sometimes I cry because I know 

that you do not deserve the compliments of my heart,

but real love can’t be earned or spent up.

On occasion I cave, 

and smile at the thought of you.

Other times different feelings arise.

My heart is far more forgiving than me.

She keeps no record of wrongs.

She’s patient, kind, not boastful.

I admire and resent her at the same time.

I fight the urge to punch her because 

not loving you is not worth my life.

When Billie Holiday said, “good morning, heartache”,

I could definitely relate.

Why does it seem like pain has become my friend?

We greet each other everyday because I allow her to stay.

She’s so warm.

She was thrown my way a long time ago, 

and now we walk arm and arm.

Sometimes she tells me what to say, how to react,

And I listen to her willingly.

I didn’t pursue her. 

So why should I do the work to make her leave?

She keeps me safe from anyone who thinks 

I’m going to let history repeat.

If I let her go,

would I also have to let go of what she taught me?

I can’t do that.

I can’t walk this earth naive.

Sure, with her I always bleed,

but at least I have no new wounds to treat.

Sometimes she makes me do things 

and people blame me.

I try to explain, but their blame persists.

What do you think?

I think she’s been my friend.

The only one who didn’t leave when things got bad.

She holds me when I’m sad.

And I can’t say the same for anyone else.

I don’t know how I’d ever put her on the shelf.

To know the love of God,

to be wrapped in perfect warmth,

to never walk alone,

To be in perfect peace in a violent storm,

To live without worry,

To find the joy in everything,

To wait patiently and joyfully no matter what’s at hand,

To show love unceasingly,

To know your true value,

To praise God without hope of gain.

If there were a choice between knowing the love of the world or God,

I’d choose God easily.

For the person I am now knows the His true value,

Forever, he has changed me.

Knowing the love of the Lord makes me want to do better.

He loves me unconditionally,

Even if I change with the weather.

He welcomes me back with open arms every time I stray

To truly know the love of the Lord,

At His feet I will always stay.

Trusting people is hard for me

Yeah you’re here for me now but will you be there when I’m really in need

I know people get busy but lack of support is a trigger, hopefully not eternally

If I expect too much from you and you let me fall that’s gonna be it for me

Nothing personal, just trauma

Why expect support when I can just live in my protective bubble

Yeah it gets lonely sometimes but I think it’s better than inviting you inside my struggle 

Because the one moment you can’t be there for me might make be look at you different 

Nothing personal, just trauma

I know that you’re innocent 

But I just feel like trying to trust you will cause me extra drama 

But how do I expect to fully experience love when I’m surrounded by people I won’t let in in my times of trouble. 

I subtly show my strength

I’m the one you always observe

But rarely cheer for 

What we didn’t know was that your hands were bound

God needed me to look at myself,

Critique less and clap more

Because the weight of all that self hatred had my back sore

I couldn’t just shake it off, I had to peel each part off each growing back at least once before finally being gone

Even now, they still come to visit

I bid them adieu as soon as they approach me 

No more being plagued by words of death that persist in gnawing away at my self esteem 

For whatever harm may come will no longer be delivered by me

I’ve discarded the poison, now

I’ll just  pick up my sword and shield and sit at the roots of my tree.

Why did it take me so long to realize that self love was free?

Being in love really sucks

Especially when there’s an imbalance

I long to see him all the time 

Just to hear him say a word

While he behaves as if there’s nothing pulling him to this connection

I never knew love would be the thing finally drive me crazy 

I have lost my mind, damn

All over a guy who couldn’t care less whether or not I was in his life

Seeing his face when I wake is driving me insane 

I really wish God would have mercy on me or at least not extend him any

Me, going crazy over a guy…

What a strange sight.

In the lonely hours,

good music is my friend.

Even when I lack, music makes me feel complete.

Some days I get sad and sing.

When I get mad I just listen and let the positivity pour into me.

Sometimes I listen to the same song on repeat for weeks, times when I feel empty.

I listen to some songs I can’t relate to because I have empathy, 

or just because I really like the delivery.

Music feeds the spirit even when it doesn’t make you think. 

What song am I in the mood for?

Sounds just like.

Do I want a main course or something sweet?

A lot of people’s diet lack meat.

But a lot of people don’t like to breathe.

So it makes perfect sense to me.

Heart-Hammer handles my chest like old glass

Hits the spot every time

I thought I was healed

But Heart-Hammer reveals the the truth

Heart-hammer, so strong without intent

Effortlessly exposing the cracks

Does it damage or expose?

The things you already know

Heart-hammer makes you face the pain

you tried so hard to erase

Heart-hammer, I will be so filled with joy

The day my heart survives your love tap

The day I finally escape

One day I’ll finally feel safe.

My life is not my own,

Lord I am Yours.

A lot of time I want to stray,

But being in You is the only way I’ll ever have true joy

Oh how I wish Lord that I could do everything You ask,

Just because You are Lord,

But I’m not there yet.

Instead I chase after You more like a hungry dog,

Than a faithful child.

I love You, I really do, 

but I’m afraid that my seeking You has an ulterior motive.

Lord, help me shake this feeling.

I want to just want You,

I’m not there yet.

I want to not care about people’s opinions,

Something I can’t quite shake yet.

I want to always want to spend time with You,

A stage of commitment I haven’t yet reached.

Lord, Lord,

I call for Your attention.

Help me, I yearn for a redemption that I already have.

You’ve forgiven me but I haven’t yet,

I am not worthy,

I am filthy, unclean, unrighteous.

I pray that You would still use me though,

For I am still Yours and I want to contribute to Your kingdom.

My life is not my own, so I am never alone.

How to carry love with broken wings…

Well, you see, it’s quite easy.

You carry as much as you can hold.

Give it freely, but take no loads. 

If you decide to take a load, 

be careful it doesn’t slip through the cracks.

I know you can’t help it, 

but people get mad at that. 

You can explain your situation,

but, unfortunately, it doesn’t change anything. 

Eventually they’ll resent you, 

and the weight of their love will further the injury and pain.

Until the day you meet the one who loves for more than transaction

and loves you in action, not just words.

The one who will love you unconditionally 

and show you what love is truly meant to be.

A gift and a joy with the power of healing. 

Real love mends and blends, 

the artificial just adds weight.

Not to say heavy love isn’t real.

Just saying that maybe the quality isn’t that great.

Premium quality love only, please.

That mid love can cause your wings to break.

I like purple because I am royalty

I am pretty I am bold but I can be soft

I can be subtle and stand out

In a sense I am purple and purple is me.

Stepping into a floorless place,

Leaning back with no visible support,

Fighting against your need to see,

Fighting against what life and people have shown you,

Displaying your true strength,

Displaying how you got past fear,

Facing one of the scariest experiences a once broken person can experience.

Trusting includes a lot, but it’s what’s best for you.

Death is knock knock knocking on 

My front door and I’m tempted to open.

This house is looking uglier everyday.

I’m tryna see what’s on the other side.

Which is worse?

Hell on earth or after?

Would God care anyway?

I’ve cracked the door a few times but never made it through

He keeps slamming the door on me

Thanks I guess, But things still ain’t changing

This house is horrid, can You take me please?

I look down at my ankle and I see a chain

Chained to the base, I am

Silly me, can You release me from this chain then take me?

I still can’t figure out what it’s for.

God, I just want to be free.

Please.

I’m sorry friend.

I’m sorry for all of the things I allowed you to go through back then,

I’m sorry I hated you,

I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you,

I’m sorry I neglected your mind,

I’m sorry I neglected your feelings,

I’m sorry I ignored your needs to cater to everyone else’s,

I’m sorry I kept pushing you even when you had clearly had enough,

I’m sorry I never allowed you to rest,

I’m sorry I never allowed you to cry,

I’m sorry I pushed everyone away from you,

I’m sorry you experienced all that you did,

I’m sorry you rarely felt like you had a friend, not even in me,

I’m sorry I wasn’t more patient.

I apologize for every time I suppressed your heart,

but it’s me and you together now.

We’re on the same team now so we have to win.

I love you with all my heart, 

and I’m giving to God all the parts of you the world tore apart.

It’s safe to come out now,

This war has come to an end.

No more being enemies.

People treat me like Medusa

No one likes to look me in my eyes

Why?

I wish I knew

I hope that one day people, the right people, 

Will see that I’m nice and friendly

I don’t bite but for some reason, it seems,

People think I do

I wish people would just speak to me like they do other people.

It definitely gets lonely over here even when I look content in my solitude.

Tears are for the weak, so you don’t cry. 

Not even in private.

You live with the heaviness, the chest pain.

Because life taught you that 

all tears are cried in vain.

No wonder you’re so angry all of the time.

Carrying that load all the time. 

I’m surprised you’re back not broke. 

Can’t even put it down while you sleep.

You just sit it on your chest while your soul weeps

because that weight formed a wound too deep.

Your wounds constantly leak.

You should walk around with a bowl, 

but onto other people you bleed.

You chase goals sometimes your liquor, too,

to avoid feeling blue.

Complete your circle with broken people

because they feel empty too.

When you can’t see, 

they’re blind, too.

But ya’ll do make a pretty solid crew.

When anyone gets sad, you laugh it off

because it’s the easiest thing to do.

It’s all fun and games, until you get into a silent room,

and your mind takes you to the truth.

Falling in love and I can’t stop

My mind telling the rest of me to please stand up

But I’m stuck 

Weak in the knees indeed

I’m sprung

It’s annoying and it’s annoying me

Maybe I could get some help

But I can’t let anyone see me in this condition

I don’t even know what to do

Because I’ve never been in this position.

Tired aint even the word

Crying everyday of the week

I keep fighting, though, because with God I am never weak

Waiting for Him to tell the rain to stop

“My child has had her piece.”

“Today she will know peace.”

Part two has happened

I pray part one will come soon.

At peace but the tears still stroll

At peace, though the billows roll

At peace, even though those weapons might be taking a toll

At peace, though I have no control

God said “hands off” so it is so

Going where God’s winds blow

I look to God so I can see the light

I take delight in Him, He is my breeze

I cry to Him and He’s always near

Sticking to me closer than ever before 

So, I have hope, although it’s dark

Lord, You keep keep me going

I know I got this

You predestined me to win 

Keeping my head high so my circumstances aren’t all I see

It’s painfully clear that the enemy wants to kill me

It’s too late now though, I finally know my identity.

God calls me Kierstyn.

God calls me Mini.

God calls me Child of God.

God calls me Chosen.

God calls me Favored.

God calls me Loved One.

God calls me Beautiful.

God calls me Superstar.

God calls me Sweetheart.

God calls me Friend.

God calls me Lovely.

God calls me Wise.

God calls me Peace.

God calls me Precious.

God calls me Truth.

God calls me Free.

He doesn’t call me angry.

He doesn’t call me irresponsible.

He doesn’t call me stubborn.

And He doesn’t call me anxious.

If God doesn’t identify you by your faults,

why should you?

It’s about me today

Today I come before everyone else

You say selfish, I say self love

The prayers I prayed

To finally have the strength to be this way

Dad told me “sometimes it’s okay to put up your cape”

Finally convinced myself that it’s okay

The real ones will love me still

Now I finally get to see all the fakes

The ones that don’t care how much gas the cars needs,

As long as it gets them to their destination.

The ones that pretended they didn’t see things 

So they could ask me for favors guilt free.

Y’all won’t like me soon,

But I can’t care right now

because self-love is my dream come true.